How to Spin Yourself out of Trauma: Even in the Midst of it
Loss is a soul event, our souls have to deal with whatever it is no longer being there. A loved one, a pet, a teacher, a best friend, a job, even graduating from high school can be traumatic to some. Why are these totally natural events much harder for some to deal with than others? If we realize we do really destructive things when faced with these events can we change our behavior and how? Can we change our entire way of reacting to life events especially in the midst of dealing with a loss?
Well, I am sure you can tell in the leading question, of course my answer is going to be yes, we can heal, we can retrain our thinking and yes even in the midst of such an event we can teach ourselves how to heal in a healthy way and take accountability for our feelings and actions.
This very subject is personal to me, as I have felt like I cannot come out of the hamster wheel of life altering events. My life was for the most part lived with rose colored glasses on, I called my mother regularly, even cared what she thought about me. I was always dying for the affection of my siblings, I had less than stellar boyfriends my family hated, I owned a townhouse, bought a brand new car, I went to work, watched TV when I got home, made dinner and went to bed. Everything was peachy keen.
One day when I was on my lunch break grabbing Subway on an outdoor mall close to work, my phone rang, it was my sister. She said to me, "Hi are you sitting down"? "No" I answered. "well you probably should" she retorted. "What is going on"? I said "Well", she paused, "Eric is not here with us anymore", Eric is our brother, he and my sister had the same mom and dad, I only shared my mom with them. They were much older than me, my sister 17 years older and my brother 12 years older. My brother would have been 51 that year December 31, 2017, had he lived to his birthday.
"What are you talking about"? I walked faster, my sandwich in my hand. It was August, it was sunny and I had a dress on. I had just come back from an interview with a recruiter as I was looking for a new job. I was almost running at this point, I can remember hearing her in my ear, my head was swirling, I felt sick, I felt like I wanted to run to the edge of the earth and jump off, I was darting around breathing heavy, I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt raw, numb, totally confused, I don't even remember how we ended the call, I remember being back in my office looking at my colleagues saying "my brother just killed himself". I needed to get out of there, I ran to the parking garage, got in my car and turned up the music all the way, I was sweating, I was so confused, I was crying hysterically. I couldn't wait to get home to my safety net, my daughter, my dogs, my boyfriend. I wanted to see my bedroom, hear the trees in my backyard, pet my puppies, just find comfort somewhere, but I couldn't run from myself, I could not run from my feelings, how was I going to deal with this? I had never in my life ever heard something like this. I never could have imagined my brother would do such a thing ever. I was destroyed, I was angry, I was sad, I was everything, and everything was me.
I wish that was it, I wish that I could say that I found myself and dealt with his death and life went back to normal, but life was never again for me the same.
I realized how short life was and immediately stopped watching TV, I knew my boyfriend was cheating on me and I knew I needed him out of my life ASAP. I got a call from my ex, my daughters dad, he said he was homeless and asked to live with me. I was so utterly lost and didn't want another call of horrid news so I said yes. That same day I found out my therapist and very good friend passed away. She was a huge part of my life for 13 years. She helped me develop myself, and evolve, she helped me see I was beautiful. she was one of my best friends. I felt hopeless once again. I wish I could say that then it stopped, then I was able to heal and move forward, but another good friend and mentor was dying he asked that I come to him. He was in the hospital, I was driving there, I got stopped, arrested for drugs not mine in the car, as my cheating boyfriend was with me and my friend died while I was in jail dealing with trying to get out and doing it all from the inside while my boyfriend was getting drunk not feeding my dog who was in the car with us. My little Chihuahua Luna who is now 9 years old and has seen me through the darkest parts of my life. She has been my rock, my saving grace and my light in all the darkness. She has been better than any human I have ever known and all I have to do is feed and walk her and give her my love and she is the most amazing friend ever.
The story keeps going from there, to more and more loss, betrayal and feelings of hopelessness and complete dismay. My family and I broke apart, I saw them for what they were for the first time with clear eyes and I was disgusted. I stopped celebrating holidays, I lost job after job, I finally broke up with my boyfriend to meet another almost exactly the same and started a 5 year abusive relationship with someone so insecure and neglected as a child he was just a grown man with a child's mind. Over the 5 years he went to prison twice, to this day no one in my family even knows about him, I never claimed him on social media, I don't even think we were ever really together, it was just for sex, and that is all I wanted at the time. That is what trauma does, it makes us do things to try and feel good, to feel a moment of pleasure all the while just inducing our pain.
That is not the end of the story, there were as I said so many twists and turns, I will talk more about the things that attempted to break me but the value in this story is that even with all of these and many more traumatic events, I had to figure out how to live my life in spite of all of these obstacles.
I had to learn how to trust myself. I had to learn how to despite my best efforts of loving people so much, I was not going to get that back from anyone I gave that too. I had to deal with loss over and over and over again, and at times I feel so overwhelmed I become frozen.
There is fight and flight and then there is frozen. Never in a million years did I think I would become frozen. I was so strong, I was so fun and funny, I was so resilient, I would never become frozen. I would never not know what to do, I would never let myself just lay down and not know how to handle a situation. But I did, I became frozen.
So how does one become unfrozen when you realize your stuck and you cannot get out of your head how do you heal yourself, so that you can resume an amazing life that you have always dreamed of?
That is a wonderful question with many answers, but the main thing to becoming unstuck is to change your thinking, to see things through new eyes. Take a trip, or change something drastically that you know is keeping you stuck.
Well how do we do that when we are feeling so low we really don't care if we die or not?
Here are some tools I used to become unstuck and am still working on being unstuck everyday.
Tools for Self healing when you feel Frozen:
Start a workout plan and stick to it.
Create a schedule and stick to it.
Volunteer
Create checklists for the things you need to do everyday.
Journal everyday
Create a cleaning schedule
Create a dog walking schedule
The bottom line is you need stability and as hard as it is, you need to create that in your life by being consistent. Its so easy to veer off and go off course, as I am right now writing this, as I should be working. I still struggle, but I like that I know when I go to bed, when I wake up, that my bed is made when I go into my bedroom. I created a checklist for cleaning, putting on my makeup, watering the plants, walking my dogs. I depend on these checklists when I feel like I cannot do it anymore. When I feel so lost and depressed I just want to lay in bed and cry and die.
I found peace in the mundane, I found solace in my life and found amazing little nooks and crannies that appeared I was not even paying attention to. When you show up for yourself even in the hardest times you begin to trust yourself and find peace. You start to listen to music that makes you want to dance and you start to look at life through new lenses.
You become okay being alone, not answering your phone, not checking social media. You become ok just being, and then people who loved seeing you down, are now vying for you to fall again with this new found inner peace. When you lift yourself up and don't ask for help people who want nothing but bad things to happen to you become more distant. That is the best way to find out if friends and family really care, is when you are going through something do they show up? Do they call to check on you? Do they come by? Do they send you songs? Say hi on social media, ask you to go to a movie, shopping whatever? Do they call and ask you not how your doing, but if you are working on your dreams?
That is the sign of a true human, that is the person I try to be because no one has ever shown up for me. I don't want anyone to feel this alone, this outcasted, I want people to feel love, and joy and supported despite no one ever showing that to me.
I always say, when people give me lemons I make mutherfucking lemonade every fucking time! And I do. We all have bad days, we all have times we are struggling. The best thing you can do is write down your goals. Write down what your future self looks like and start making that person right now this moment. Do all the things everyone told you, you couldn't. Be that bad spicy bitch who gives no fucks and don't let anyone tell you that your being crazy, or emotional or anything else when you ask that people show up for you or support you. If they cant they are narcissistic assholes who don't deserve your time, yes even family needs to go if they treat you that way.
Stop asking people who have never shown up too now, because they won't no matter how much you change for them to like you, no matter how much you do everything they suggest, they will never be happy. Dont live for anyone else's opinion, learn to trust yourself and your path to where you are right now. Learn to be alone and love every second of it. Face your fears, face your demons and be the most amazing person you can right now in this moment. You are going out of this world alone, thinking you are not is lying to yourself. So you might as well learn to show up for yourself because at the end of the day you are all that matters. You are light, you are the universe and the universe is you!
Understand and know that in every moment you have the choice between miracles and grievances. Read that again!
You are a miracle here for a reason and purpose. Don't let anyone tell you what that is and start pumping out those dreams. Dance like no one is looking, because if they are they are nosy and not doing anything but peering. Let people peer, dont pay anyone who wants nothing positive for you the attention to even have that power. Own your own power, own your feelings and take accountability for the human you are and know that in every moment you have the chance to be whole.
Until next time......
Comments
Post a Comment